The minute someone says “grief”; we automatically associate it with a physical death. In reality there are many types of grief that we don’t often recognize; I call it “living grief”. When we move from our childhood home we may grieve the loss of memories made. When a close friendship fades or a close friend moves away we experience a type of grief.
I think my first realization with types of grieving came when my Mother had a drastic change in her life, which in turn had a profound impact on all her children. She was 59 and was having severe headaches. She was always an active and fun mom to be around, and she worked hard all her life raising 4 children almost by herself. She never complained about having children to raise alone, she just did it. After months of doctor’s appointments, chiropractic treatments, etc. a tumor was discovered behind her ear. The tumor was in a location attached to many of her facial muscles, etc. Once the decision was made to remove the tumor, the world seemed to be getting better. But reality hit us hard, when we found that the surgery had resulted in the face muscles on that side of her face no longer working and her face sagged. It was shocking to see our beautiful Mother’s face in a completely different configuration.
That day changed my Mother’s life completely and her children suddenly were dealing with not only our Mother’s change in looks, but also a complete change in her personality. We didn’t realize it at the time, but we were grieving the loss of our Mother, as we physically knew her, while developing a different relationship with her new personality. We were grieving two separate events at the same time. My Mother never recovered her old personality but somehow managed to go on with life. Things went well for several years and then Mother had to move to a nursing home. By this time she could barely hear, but she still talked, quoted poetry and tried very hard to enjoy her last few years. It did not seem fair that we grieved for our Mother 3 times, but that is what happened by the time we grieved her death.
When somehow a friendship slips away, we don’t realize the feelings we are having are a type of grief. We long for things to be the same as they were, and we miss the close bond that once existed. With friendship, you often don’t even know how the bond was broken, but nonetheless you grieve and hunger for things to be as they were for years. An individual may experience this type of grief more than once in their lifetime.
Oh yes, we grieve for our children as well, usually more than once in a lifetime. There is an old saying, “raise your children to be independent”. I say, ha, to that notion. One day the “independence” raises its ugly head and boom: your idea of independent children is gone in a flash. They have their own idea of independence. They chose a different college than you wanted, not to mention a career field that in your mind was totally unacceptable. Along comes their spouse to be and sometimes you get lucky and sometimes not. Life has a way of keeping us in our place, because we raised independent children.
In the world today many families experience the grief of drug and alcohol addiction. Families are at a loss of how to deal with a loved one that has fallen into a world we don’t understand. It does not matter how the individual in your life gets addicted, it always results in a type of grief. It is a grief for the person, for you, and for the family as a whole. Addiction touches every family member and every close friend. How do we deal with a type of grief that seems to have no end? Each family must make tough decisions. How do you love without enabling? How do you keep them off the streets and safe when they have no regard for their own safety? Drug and alcohol addiction touches almost every family in some way, and could be an article unto itself.
A very different type of grief often creeps in and surprises us. We suddenly notice a loved one is not remembering things as they once did. They ask you the same question more than once in a short time span. They suddenly can’t keep track of appointments, dates of upcoming vacations, etc. You try to get them to remember, and you are patient with the changes because surely it will get better and go away. Often their memories are perfect, and you even hope your imagination got out of control. No, now the memory loss comes crashing back with a vengeance. This scenario can go on for months, and then it gets worse and you finally realize that your loved one has dementia or Alzheimer’s. You go into denial mode or go straight to full blown grieving mode.
Remember, you are not alone in these different and difficult grieving modes. Recognizing and accepting grief is the first step to healing, however there is a difference between grief and depression and it can be tricky to know the difference. A person should never hesitate to turn to a professional if they feel their grief has turned into depression.
Take care and be kind to yourself.
Granny Rae
